cynical much?

why are there these days when i simply assume that things are not going to get any better than they are today? (which for those of us keeping score was something akin to a bad funk and a half coupled with dumbly poor discipline.)

walking home late at night rehearsing all of the life lesssons that i have learned but ignored throughout the course of the day left me frustrated to the point of tears. this is not the life i signed up for and certainly not the one that i am 'called' to live. even now i sit up at half past the hour of 2 AM knowing that i should have been asleep hours ago but pondering my navel instead of preparing for all that 'needs' to be done tomorrow by getting adequate rest. i have now all but ensured a late start and the consequent spiral which inevitably ensues after such an abbreviated work day.

it's what they refer to in your finer establishment as 'crap leading to more crap,' and here i am without a shovel. sometimes i think that this wonderful gift of choice that humanity has been given is one of the more elaborate inside jokes going in the universe. clearly we don't know what to do with it, and it causes us nothing but pain and strife.

there is a hopeful statement floating around in the recesses of my head that would make an ironic end to this post, but i can't seem to coax it from the murky depth at which it resides. suffice it to say that it's down there, and despite myself i know it's down there. i just don't know what to do about it.