when did my lack of conviction turn to nonchalance

it is strange to me how my general attitude towards life oscilates so readily from an intense desire to know what's next to near perfect acceptance of the moment at hand. if the latter is my goal and i achieve it on some cyclic basis, why can't i hold on to it? why does this unwanted desire return?

i suppose i could ask that about any number of unwanted desires though.

internal dialogue...we must have it

Can transformation occur at the level of desire? Is it possible for us to objectively discuss our desires in the internal monologue sense of the word discuss? I have this odd little desire to confound my own desires. So my desires are by definition in conflict, and the internal monolouge has officially split into an internal dialogue which seems unstable at best. Having proclaimed instability at the mention of dialogue i'll not allude to the actual multitude of interacting systems of thought bouncing around my head.

Taking a step back i must admit that my intuition leads me to believe more people are probably hit than missed by the above analysis. So the majority of the self-contained individuals i interact with on a daily basis are on this spiral to instability. Is that supposed to make me feel better?

a day for wondering

with the onset of not knowing it is easy to assume that things will never be the same. in my mind there is no justifiable way to expect a stable, well-planned future. i can hope. i can't expect it anymore.

oh for the days where grade n would certainly be folowed by grade n+1 and life was therefore good in ways i have never before appreciated.

unnatural temporal constraint

i think that we all want to do so much more than is feasible in the span of our lives because we are meant to exist eternally. we have aspirations born of our true selves, but they have been stuffed into bodies and timeframes that cannot hold them. with unlimited time we could all pursue to the full extent the various passions and interests that cause constant internal conflict in this world. my hope is that we may be given that opportunity some day. this simultaneously eases and confounds the pressure to achieve. the trick must be to learn how not to wait but to expect more time even after the end is declared. this validates, in my mind, undertaking all of the tasks we are driven to pursue believing that although we will never have enough time we may someday exist outside of it.

twisted

how is it that everything we are exposed to can so easily be twisted into something to struggle with? when in life does a smile become just a smile and an off-hand comment nothing more than a random remark to shrug off? constant analysis is the bane of my existence and intrinsic to my definition of who i am. i am not certain how to reconcile these two facts.

finite frustrations

as human beings we are so intrinsically limited. how am i supposed to live a life where good experiences come in bunches ensuring that they cannot all be pursued? how many wonderful occasions can you celebrate in a day? how much work can be done in a week? how many interests can one person possibly juggle? what is the appropriate balance between solitude and socialization? why are these questions starting to take the form of circus metaphors?

i cannot do it all, and somehow i also cannot get over this fact. worse yet it tends to stop me in my tracks essentially stealing even more time (when i had less than none to spare). there is an unformed thought leading to a question i cannot yet articulate. in the end it will undoubtedly turn out to be the good old "what should i do with my life?". for now though i can't believe that there is nothing more to it so i think i'll leave it alone for a while.

my tendency is to agonize over all the decisions i make (and don't) and to assume, to my detriment, that in every case i am betting against myself or choosing the fabulous gift behind the wrong numbered door. this life is untenable. second guessing every choice leads to paralysis. i'm not ready to declare forward motion as an appropriate end goal, but cowering in fear has never gotten me anywhere. "how long to sing this song" indeed.

good and bad

the good thing about being drunkish at 7pm is that you can get sobered up in time to get some more work done before you go to bed. the bad thing about being drunkish at 7pm is that periodicity is the only thing between you and alcoholism.