which cup overflows?

there is this list of phrases based around the concept of our own personal basket of good times: "my cup runneth over." "fill up my cup and let it overflow," etc. The essential idea is that we have so much good stuff in our lives that it is overflowing and, the way i always picture it, that as a result we ourselves and the people around us are actually experiencing the positive effects of getting splashed about by whatever metaphorical substance happens to be in these cups we all seem to have.

my question, and bear with me because its not in the end as depressing as it sounds, is why does no one ever talk about the other cups...the cups for bad stuff or the stuff that beats or tears us down? it stands to reason that if the metaphor applies to good stuff like joy and love and general good times than it probably applies to stuff we are less excited about like frustration at work or lust or depression. the metaphor works pretty well for negative emotions as well.

we can all deal with some level of things not going well at work, attractive people wandering through our field of view, or nagging from our family or other loved ones. there is a certain amount of this stuff that is going to happen to each of us and there isn't really anything that we can do about it. i think these things all get poured into a cup as well. as long as the cup is relatively empty we seem fine...there are no obvious effects from this metaphorical sherpa act.

however, when one more stupid computer glitch, unneeded comment from a friend or co-worker, beautiful person catching our eye, or gentle reminder of something you've lost gets poured into the cup, all bet's are off. there is this critical stage at which we begin to be aware of the weight and it begins to control, or at least to alter, the way we feel about and act towards ourselves and the world around us.

very often i wait until this critical moment to truly engage the various things being poured into my life...having acknowledged that they are inevitable i try to make like a duck and let these things roll off my back. i'm beginning to realize that this is a horrible mistake.

just as in reality any joy or love being poured into our lives begins to permeate long before it begins to "splash about" the petty frustrations, sexual content and hurtful comments that we are holding in the "bad cups" slowly eat away at who we are and who God would have us be. the lie is that we can carry these things around without consequence until our cup gets too full. the corrosive comments, images and other externalities that we accept into our being are doing damage at the core of who we are long before we begin to see the fruit. as weak as it may seem we must give each of these things away as they come.

let's pour out these cups before God every time the world tries to pour something in. put every thought and situation under His control. i'm not the first to point out that the chief mistake we all make is not being weak but thinking that we are or are supposed to be strong.

the process seems weird, frustrating and time consuming but perhaps very very important.

glory or woe

"objects of mercy who should have known wrath, we're filled with unspeakable joy."

these are lyrics from a song i didn't write and should therefore cite in a more appropriate manner but am not going to perhaps because i'm lazy but also because i'm taking no credit.

however, more to the point, these lyrics call for God's mercy to be a source of joy in the lives of His people. so often in my life (in fact almost always) the idea of His mercy is a source of sadness or maybe angst. i reflect mostly on the 'unfortunate reality' that i need grace and mercy and therefore am filled not with joy but with negative emotions (the angsty ones like sadness and frustration and guilt).

how different would life be if i instead thought of God's grace and mercy as a reason to praise Him? what if i went with the "wow God is actually willing to show mercy to me...praise God!!" mentality as opposed to the "wow i'm a bad person and constantly require God to bail me out with His mercy" thought process in which i typically wallow?

besides, how arrogant is that attitude...who went off and made me think i was perfect?

the luxury of abstraction

i live in a world of many many options or conversely of very few constraints. as a result decisions can be made at the most theoretical level and with utmost care for long term implication, philosophical uncertainties and the fine distinction between not just "right" and "wrong" but "good"and "best."

most lives are constrained by relationships or finances or systems of inequality. by and large i do not feel these constraints (although to varying degrees they do exist for me).

so not really confronted with what so many call reality i'm left to wander in the abstract.

no wonder...

what's the next intersection?

today i went for a run and when i reached the end of one of my normal routes decided to take a left instead of backtracking as in usual for this particular route. about twenty minutes later, after being sidetracked by some parks i never knew existed, i realized that while i knew in general where I was and knew north from south and east from west i really had no familiarity with any of the streets and was pretty much locally lost. i have never liked the feeling of running when i wasn't sure of how to get home so i walked for a while until i had managed to find some streets that i knew and could run with confidence.

i'm pretty sure that an unwillingness to run, even for exercise when the point is the effort and not a destination, is a pretty good metaphor for my current state. i seem to be working on a systemic unwillingness to charge into the unknown.

beautiful lie

beautiful lie or as close to truth as we can come on this earth ?

this seems to be the question i'm not quite able to answer for so much that comes into view these days.

desire for what?

we have been schooled in this society to look towards those who have what we want and to emulate them. for every area of our lives this leaves as an interesting exercise the question "who would i like to become?" who would i like to become in regards to the physical, emotional, relational, spiritual, vocational, academic, etc.? frightening insight can sometimes be had by actually thinking through to it's natural conclusion the act of taking as our standard certain people and ideals.

on the surface i think that i have a reasonable handle on where my focus should be...and here the surface i'm talking about is not the superficiality of the external but the superficiality of the internal. on that surface i think that my motives, intentions, and focus are good and whole and as they should be. if i prod just a little deeper though and require just a little bit more internal honesty things become murkier.

the greatest task of living might, i think, be to throw away the reasonable goals, the reasonable idols and to look for a single true source of inspiration and a single resource for motivation and standards of character. it is much easier to look for a watered-down example of 'who i would like to be" than to come into an understanding of the true standard. it is easier for me to point at a person whose work, or physique, or attitude i would like to emulate than to place God as the true motivation for everything....period.

God makes sense to me as a motivation for a spiritual life defined primarily as a relationship with Him. how do i live the other aspects of my life with Him as motivator, as goal, as purpose?